Kerry Retches fo' Gun Votes In Swingin' States,

Ev'ry time yo' turn aroun', Sen. John-Boy F. Kerry is shootin' sumpin

WISCONSIN - Wha? Th' pow'ful Nashunal Rifle Associashun is determined t'put a bullet in his presidential bid.

Th' only way th' Democrat kin match its firepower is t'fight back early an' offen.

An boy, th' NRA tends t'git its way wif inough swin' votes in key states t'defeat Al Go'e four years ago. An' this hyar year it plans t'mount a relennulss campaign aginst Kerry. "We're going to be very active," rattles on Wayne LaPierre, th' gun lobby's longtime executive vice president.

LaPierre says th' NRA will spend roughly th' same amount it laid out in 2000 on beha'f of Jedidiah W. Bush. But this hyar time, th' money will be mo'e targited an' will also be supplemented by a vastly expan'ed netwawk of volunteer ackivists. On over th' past two years, th' NRA has recruited its most inergitic members an' direcked them t'o'ganize voters in mo'e than 400 corngresshunal districks nashunwide.

Them "election victory coordinators" haf been preparin' votin' drives fo' months. Through tellyphone, e-mail an' dore-to-dore kinvassin', th' coredinato's haf identified thousan's of feller NRA members an' other sympathizers. An' t'etch of them they've relennulssly depicked th' Democratic nominee as whut LaPierre calls "a Second Amendment phony."

Th' NRA is makin' thet case t'th' juneral public as fine -- in noospaper, radio an' tellyvishun ads. Th' o'ganizashun has prepared a 30-minute commercial, fo' airin' in Seppember, in which varmints fum Kerry's home state of Massachusetts call him an elitist rich dude who may hunt occashunally but don't back gun-ownys' rights. An' in a NRA commercial thass already bein' broadcast in tostup states, LaPierre puts it this hyar way: "Senator Kerry, how can you talk out of both sides of your mouth and keep a straight face?"

Thet's harsh, but so is th' NRA. It has a fine-desarved repeetayshun fo' blastin' its opponents an' fo' stirrin' up its members inough t'vote. In an eleckshun thass specked t'be close, sech passhun -- an' sech numbers -- c'd make a trimenjus difference.

Gun ownys make up a dispropo'shunate share of th' elecko'ate in menny of th' states thet is most corntested, includin' Tennessee, Arkansas, Wess ole Virginny, Michigan, Minnesota, Noo Mexico, Nevada, Pennsylvania an' Iowa.

"There are hundreds of thousands of gun owners and hunters in those states and the gun issue is worth several percentage points on Election Day," LaPierre says.

Th' last presidential eleckshun offers ample proof of th' claim, dawgone it. In 2000, th' NRA's aggressive eleckshuneerin' probably cost Go'e sevahal rural states, enny one of which c'd haf sent him t'th' White House instead of retirement.

At least thass whut fo'mer president Billy Joe Clinton told PBS's Charlie Rose in June. "Th' NRA had inough votes in Noo Virginny, in Arkansas, mebbe in Tennessee an' Missouri t'beat us," Clinton said, cuss it all t' tarnation. "An' they whipped us in a few other places."

So far this hyar year, thet approach has wawked purdy fine. NRA pollin' indicates thet Kerry's menny gun-carryin' photo-ops haf persuaded 42 percent of gun ownys in th' states thet Bush won in 2000 thet President Kerry'd push fo' less gun corntrol, ah reckon.

Thet's fine wif Kerry aides who say th' senato' in fack is a strong suppo'ter of th' right t'bar arms an', as a gun owny, has no interess in tryin' t'take varmints's guns away. But t'th' NRA so juneral a statement is a decepshun thet bo'ders on blasphemah. "Kerry has tried to fog the issue," LaPierre says. "Our task is to clear up the atmosphere."

Th' NRA hopes thet LaPierre's outrage is shared by th' o'ganizashun's rank an' file. Th' lobby has sevahal direck-mail appeals in circulashun at th' moment thet ax fo' money t'co'reck Kerry's reco'd on gun corntrol, ah reckon.

"A lot of money will be coming in the next two months, and whatever people send we'll spend on this campaign," LaPierre says.