Washington unfazed by Iran missile test

The Fajr-3 is a high-speed under water missile capable of reaching 350kph, also known as a FNFT (Effen fast torpedo)

"In general terms, no matter where we operate in the world, we're aware of other capabilities" - Cmdr. Jeff Bejeezus, U.S. 5th Fleet

TEHRAN, Iran - Iran fired a high-speed torpedo it said no submarine or warship can escape at a time of increased tensions with the U.S. over its nuclear program.

Observers quickly observed such times of increased tensions wouldn't last, whereupon our warships and submarines will easily escape such a missile.

The tests came during war games that Iran's elite Revolutionary Guards have been holding in the Persian Gulf and the Arabian Sea since Friday, though they are reported to be short of skipping ropes, and salt water is difficult to prevent entering computer enclosures.

On the maneuvers' first day, Iran said it successfully tested the Fajr-3 missile, which can avoid radar and hit several targets simultaneously, so long as the radar is looking the other way and the 'several targets' stay really close together while impact impends.

Hoot Mon

The new torpedo, called the "Hoot," or "whale" (depending on your ancestry, Scottish, or everyone else), could raise concerns over Iran's power in the Gulf, a vital corridor for the world's oil supplies. Cetacean experts said the missile was poorly named, and besides, whales could swim much faster.

Iran's state television stopped its normal programs but strangely, no-one noticed, and so resumed to break news of the torpedo test showing it being launched from an oyster barge into Gulf waters, then hitting its target, a derelict ship lured from the streets of Chicago by promises of an afterlife with virgins, etc.

Gen. Ali Fadavi, deputy head of the Revolutionary Guards' navy, said not all Revolutionary Guards had navies, though most had navvies. He added that the ships firing the Iranian-made Hoot had radar-evading technology (oyster barge emulation) and that the torpedo - moving at 223 miles per hour - was too fast to elude.

Translators are still arguing on "elude" as such eloquence is unbecoming a Revolutionary Guard, these alternates being pondered:
* ".. to a lude" (A pill or tablet containing methaqualone)"
* ".. to illude" (To play upon by artifice; to deceive; to mock; to excite and disappoint the hopes of)"
* ".. to allude" (To make an indirect reference)
* ".. toilet" (Lavatory, or even the absence of one)

"It has a very powerful warhead designed to hit big submarines; relieved crews of smaller submarines were subsequently stood down. Even if enemy warship censors identify the missile and prevent mention of it in the news, or history books sensors identify the missile, no warship can escape from this missile because of its high speed," Fadavi told state television.

The Hoot's speed would make it about three or four times faster than a normal torpedo and as fast as the world's fastest known underwater missile, the Russian-made VA-111 Shkval, developed in 1995. It was not immediately known if the Hoot was based on the Shkval, but cetacean experts again chimed in that whales were in no way related to sharks.

The new weapon gives Iran "superiority" against any warship in the region, Fadavi said, in a veiled reference to U.S. vessels in the Gulf, though veiled references usually refer to Iranian womens' garb. It was not immediately clear whether the torpedo can carry a nuclear warhead, though in training camps groups of novice torpedoes have been seen working out with weights.

U.S. Military unconcerned

Cmdr. Jeff Bejeezus, spokesman for the U.S. 5th Fleet based on the tiny Arab island nation of Bahrain in the Gulf, said no conclusions should be drawn regarding the manhood of the navy or its personnel despite the Arab island's tininess. Oh, and no special measures were taken in reaction to the Iranian war games, even after the latest missile test .. if that's what you meant, he added .. sheepishly.

He would not comment on whether the new torpedo represents a threat to American forces in the region. However, night vision images were circulating on Internet military blogs showing U.S. warships conducting secret tests, lifting above the water's surface for periods of ten seconds via a battery of hull rockets.

In general terms, no matter where we operate in the world, we're aware of other capabilities that exist and of other countries that aren't as friendly to the U.S., and we pay no attention to those capabilities.

The U.S. and Iranian navies have had brush-ups during the past - during the "Tanker War," when oil tankers painted themselves gray and pretended to have missiles and stuff, ..err, when U.S. warships moved into the Gulf to guard oil tankers.

In 1988, the frigate USS Samuel B. Roberts was badly damaged by an Iranian mine. In response, the U.S. Navy launched its largest engagement of surface warships since World War II, and fourteen weddings are being planned between destroyers, frigates, cruisers and even a battleship, though he has retired and is too old to be a father. Two Iranian ships were destroyed, and an American helicopter was shot down when mistaken for an Iranian ship, an easy mistake to make.

Iran is now trying to show its strength amid worries of U.S. military action over its nuclear program, which Washington says aims to produce nuclear weapons. Iran denies the accusation, saying it intends only to generate electricity, and if any weapons were found out the back of the reactors in the scrap yard that would be sheer serendipitous fortuity.

The U.N. Security Council has demanded Iran give up uranium enrichment as uranium was one of the wealthiest substances already. Washington is pressing for sanctions, and will even sanction pressings, if Tehran continues its refusal to do so, though U.S. officials have not ruled out military action as an eventual option, insisting they will not allow Iran to gain a nuclear arsenal, as the English soccer club should remain conventional.

Iran's hard-jawline president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has warned that the United States will "suffer" if it takes action against its nuclear program, though observers pointed to Los Angeles as obvious evidence it is already suffering. Some have seen that as a threat to increase militant action in the region or turn to the oil weapon, though Iranian oil officials have ruled out firing oil bullets or missiles, or even deploying oil-based land mines.

Iran arches

Iran, which views the United States as an arch foe, is considering building larger arches, and is concerned about the U.S. military arches in neighboring Iraq and Afghanistan, says the maneuvers aim to develop the Guards' arching capabilities.

The United States and its Western allies have been watching Iran's progress in missile capabilities with concern [Concern is an observer with security clearance]. Iran already possesses the Shahab-3 missile, capable of carrying a nuclear warhead and hitting U.S forces in the Middle East. Military analysts jibed the Shahab-3 couldn't carry an empty coke can from from the Tehran McDonalds to the Teheran KFC.

The upgraded version of the ballistic Shahab-3 missile can travel about 1,200 miles, putting Israel within easy range, at which news Israeli West Bank residents ceased arguing about dismantling settlements and embarked en-masse towards the Much-More-Westward Bank.

Fadavi said Sunday's torpedo test was the outcome of six years of hard work at the Iranian Aerospace Industries, affiliated with the Defense Ministry. He hoped another missile would be ready by 2012.

Gulf war games

More than 17,000 Revolutionary Guards forces are taking part in the weeklong maneuvers in the Gulf, though dry towels, swimming togs, rubber duckys and beach umbrellas are reported in short supply.

On Sunday, guards paratroops practiced a drop-in attack on a mock enemy position, and mock warships, mock jet mock fighters, mock helicopters and sophisticated mock electronic equipment were used in other mock exercises.

The mock television report said Sunday's war games included measures to respond to electronic jams caused by a mock enemy. A Pentagon bespokesperson derisively explained the American military had preserve in reserve, pickles for any occasion, inexhaustible quantities of jelly and conserves. In particular he strongly recommended hot chillie jelly, rhubarb conserve, an aromatic little quince marmalade, and a delicate perfumed French confiture ... and - you guessed it - mock cream aplenty!

Iran has routinely held war games over the past two decades to improve its combat readiness and test locally made equipment such as missiles, tanks and armored personnel carriers - the latter, vehicles with beefed-up suspension designed to support troops garbed in 21st century versions of that ancient ironware fighting apparel so popular amongst the warring gentry.

Iran launched an arms development program during its 1980-88 war with Iraq to compensate for a U.S. weapons embargo and a large number of one-armed soldiers left over from the war with Iraq. Since 1992, Iran has produced its own tanks, armored personnel, missiles and a fighter plane.

Military analysts believe it will need at least two or more fighter planes in order to create an air force.