Our pick of personals trawled from the local ink slingers

When you first read a personal classified, the hoped-for person of your dreams soon melts into a cliché of twenty clumsy words.

On this basis you decide to start a relationship??

As a window into the hapless loser's mind opens wide, you forgive them their spelling mistakes, poorly-chosen words, inappropriate phrases. After all, there but for a slip of the pen go you.

Writing a personal that sounds just right is the hardest thing in the world - except making the phone call!

Click this link to see personal classified acronyms defined 

And below, these real examples of how NOT to get the attention of your lover-to-be.

Attractive 44yo, positive, outgoing, sincere, educated professional person, enjoys sailing, boating, renovating, seeks financially independent, educated professional gentleman, no ties ..
... brave enough - let alone qualified! Assume pre-nup, merger contract, his & her yachts

19 male, fun, GSOH, loves music, cars n just about everything. I want to meet 18-22 yo down to earth girl for relationship. I want kids within the next 4 years. Kids already, that's great.
... I'll get back to you

Attractive bubbly 45yo lady, looks and feels much younger..
... you can easily tell a person's age by feeling them

Single man, 40, fit, intelligent, searching for a slim, witty babe for adventure, travel, 4WD. I'm still stuck in the 80's . Ph. me you retro chicky babe before I get old and boring
... yeah, get him while he's young and boring

Terrific 68yo. Taurean lady, well spoken .. Seeks man of integrity, kind, caring, funny, outgoing, loyal, who will be kind to my Maltese pooch.
... silly me, I'm reading the 'Help Wanted' section

Attractive 36yo lady ... Looking for a man born in 1959 or 1971
... umm, I was born in both of those years. Can I come over now?

32yo lady .. seeks man 6'2", NS, ND, solid build, dark hair and eyes and a kind heart.. I know you're out there somewhere.
... No one called? Relax the specifications, try "between 6 foot 1 inch and 6ft 3in.

Two ladies, friendly, genuine, caring with GSOH seeking 2 males 45-55 who enjoy fishing, BBQs, ...
... and we still go to ladies room together

29yo mother likes horses, bands, outings, seeking .. must be a gentleman and secured.
... handcuffed OK?

Hi if you're 50-62yo male looking for a lady 55 NS SD likes dancing BBQs music movies dining in or out, please give me a ring
... or a car, or house

Bi couple looking for Bi couple interested in 4x4WD, beach, fishing...
... and 2x2on2

So many phonies, who is out there who is real? An intelligent, exquisitely beautiful lady of genuinely loving action and faith in God seeks a gentle kindhearted loyal for life, sincere, attractive, well-educated Christian man who can value the sincerity of my heart above all earthly things
... only messiahs need apply

Piscean seeking soul mate, 50's, SS SD fit young at heart. I love animals, boats, fishing, ...
... Hi, I'm Nemo!

40yo easy going gent NS, ND, into horses (Thoroughbreds). Looking for lady 30-40 years with genuine interest in horses ..
... if it doesn't work out, there's always the horses

Single lady seeking permanent partner romantic passionate loving sincere honest spontaneous GSOH, a good kisser who can steam up the car windows, NS 48-58 around 5'10", no body odor.
... dang, got me on body odor!

Where are you Prince Charming? I want to spend candlelit dinners at home with you, romantic nights out, weekends away. I can light up your life ...
... with candles?

A caring, educated, early 60s gentleman wishes to meet 50-60yo elegantly slim 10-12 lady with no ties and time to experience a variety of new and existing common interests as a friend and companion that may lead to a romantic relationship.
... or may not. Next!

Good 40yo man wanting to find the love of his life, NS SD GSOH, a thin, pretty lady, between 30-40, singly loved woman, no divorcees or separated ladies, no children ...
... right, I bet the phone hasn't stopped ringin'

Olivia, Filipino lady, could you please call Ron
... again, louder!

40yo 6' active intelligent modern guy GSOH morals and values, seeks intelligent reasonably slim, reasonably attractive lady, friendship view relationship
... unreasonably fat & unattractive don't call

A lady of 47 going onto 48 ...
... as most 47 year olds are

Lonely young man seeks a lonely mature lady 37-52 passionate, sensual, cute, smart, naughty and nice. Wants a toy boy.
... mum, stop calling. I know it's you

Attractive lady seeking guy with GSOH, NS, enjoys dancing, dining out, movies, well-groomed, romantic, loyal, must love animals for a permanent relationship if compatible.
... compatible with your pets?

Australian gent, Arackney, 71 years, would pass for 61 or 62, carry's age very well ...
.. honest, could be mistaken for 55 in total darkness

Older man seeks an educated single Chinese or Japanese lady preferred English not important.
... err, let's run through this again

DTE fun-loving male 40yo WLTM attractive slim lady for friendship, outings, conversation. No big girls please. ...
... hey! I'll find out where the bastard lives and let you big girls know

Fantasy man 35yo genuine, discreet, masculine, model looks, wishing to meet lonely attractive women.
... and give them pleasure for money

Swedish man 29, 6'3 fit and blonde, NS, SD, very GSOH, intelligent, creative and gifted in the arts ....
... yep, and I'm Bill Gates

Sixty-one yo looking for average Joe 60-70 yrs with no hang ups ...
.. but can still get it up

Bitter twisted & disillusioned at 32, unattractive ungrateful wench seeks 30-40yo man to be disloyal and dishonest with.
... I'll .. get back to you

Interesting loving active retired lady .... ... to enjoy quality times and mutually interesting activities together.
... interesting yes. But romantic?

Widow mid 70's nice personality, with principles would like to meet educated man ...
... vice-principles OK?

Woman 45yo slim attractive ... seeking 35-40yo man ...with a GSOH, extremely clean (house clean). My children are grown up and looking for a man with the same for good time and a great relationship. Genuine people only need apply
... Huh? Am I dating you or your children - or both??

Ardent tall slim actor & p/t teacher. Young virile handsome romantic 50 NS caring cultured loyal sensitive new age. Old fashion values & virtues. Simple tastes, pleasures. U: DTE Similar: Sensuous Sim/med 45-65 no ties Arts/craft: non-material. Ready: Co/Habit; Grow; Hear Mind Body Soul Mutual Creative Perm. Positive LTC Mates. Pref CC P/sula.
... Oh Hi! My name is .. .. arr forget it!

Pisces lady 59 looking for an honest sincere, caring, down to earth man, looks don't matter. I'm 98kgs but losing it ...
... Honey, we're all losing it!

Mum 38yo medium/cuddly size wishes to meet gen. guy on farm ...
... See you in the pig pen

Easy going fit guy NS ND intelligent GSOH mid-40s seeking a slender, affectionate, calm and relaxed lady for permanent relationship
... must have own Valium

Silver touches my temple yet I have a heart of gold ... seeking a true, loving partner.
... my body is bronzed, muscles of iron, steely willed, feet of lead, my dome approaching chrome, mercurial of temperament, tinny on dates, galvanized into action, copper by profession .. oh, and I live in the rust belt. Zincing of you ... shall we meet in the brasserie?

Cuddly employed 25yo living on peninsula into music, nights out and good time...
... most peninsulas are into water

Feminine lady 54 slim DTE caring honest ... WLTM genuine male to share life 50-59 view relationship. No mobiles.
... aww, can't I just keep it turned off?

Hi, 40yo male new to area likes footy nights at home ...
... yo, homey. We don' do footy nights 'roun dis hood

Male 37yo 6', big fella requires soul mate companionship, n/s, s/d, enjoys 4WD, quiet nights in out going to movies, traveling, etc.
... and be sure to bring the "big fella" gift-wrapped

Male 24yo no strings attached, quite, loyal ... like to meet lady, age open, genuine, slim, no strings attached.
... OK, we've clarified the "no strings" policy, now about that blind, forgiving love

27yo wheeling, NS, GSOH ...like to meet fit girl with GSOH 24-30yo
... wheeling? I'm missing something here (hmm, not on the acronyms page either)

32yo solid build gentleman seeking lady .. must like bbq's, picnics, must be affectionate, must have good personality
... you vill comply? Jawohl Herr Kapitan

40yo sole parent .. not into pubs, clubs or church but believe in God. I love ethics, animals, kids & wilderness. Seeking soul mate of similar makeup
... ethics? I love ethics

Grandfather, 77, widower, seeking convivial campany (male and female) on drives to various places, ferry trips, galleries,...
... "campany" - very rad, gramps!

Good looking educated ambitious Asian girl looking for someone special. Must be employed ...
... part of me say 'Yes!', part say 'Run away!'

Hi I am 59yo blonde hair brown eyes 5'4" tall NS SD I like walking, dining out, going to the movies. If you would like to get in contact p lease give me a call.
.... seeking blonde eyes, brown hair

Seeking a rural man around 50. I have blue eyes brown hair, slender, stylish, gentle, articulate, inquisitive and loyal, cares for ecology, enjoys animals, horse riding, biology, computers, reading, cultural events, dining, dancing, financially secure, would like to hear from similar rural NS male.
... oops, wrong planet

Christian 47yo looking for a Christian partner who loves church and his Lord. Take me as I am to enjoy the good times together
... yo! Born-again sinner!

Caring man 49 GSOH SD SS medium build no ties enjoys films sport beach nights out seeks lady to early 60s with no ties for friendship possible relationship
... so, neither of us should wear a tie?

Caring 27yo looking for a lady to spend my life...
... and my money

Free to good home 31yo active male, affectionate and loyal, big brown eyes and coat, not desexed, house trained, known to bite. Enjoys days out. Seeks friendly pussy cat for friendship or relationship
... promise not to lick balls on first date

Financial business man. I am generous, kindhearted and loving gentleman. Seeking same, slim 18-25 for relationship, free accommodation.
... free for me, that is

... and you are between 40-48 give us a call. Myself, 48yo, tall, blue eyes, easy going.
... Hello, err .. is "Myself" there - um .. could I speak to "Myself"? (is that you Bart? .. why, you little..)

New to area, 6' brown hair, ... looking for TLC, age open, looks aren't major so long as you have GSOH, shy ladies apply
... wo! Careful! Sure you don't want to add that time-proven filter "slim, attractive"?

Racehorse, 38, putting himself out to stud Looking for greener pastures. No weeds or thistles, Fine looking stallion in search of good looking mare..
... join me and live the metaphor

Respectable tall mid-60s gent, div. no ties, non alcoholic or gambler, no tattoo, retired, fin. sec. Good appear. Active, likes garden, dancing, bicycle, current events, trips, humor, affection, garlic prawns, calamari & more...
... way too much information

Hi, I am 21yo with nice blue eyes. I love boats, fishing, traveling, walking along the beachfront at nights and staying weekends away. Looking for lady 18-21 years.
.. to carry the fishing nets, no doubt

52yo male seeks lady to same age. GSOH, NS, SD, Easygoing type, view to becoming the King and Queen of EBay.
... Sex to the highest bidder

Single 18yo seeking attractive, intelligent, affectionate, romantic, loving. WLTM 26yo man. I would love to meet you asap. See you soon I hope.
... smokin!!